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I woke up this morning feeling all shades of crappy, then realised… - Heavenly. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Feb. 15th, 2011|08:56 pm]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |Fleet Foxes: White Winter Hymnal]

I woke up this morning feeling all shades of crappy, then realised it was the rise of communism in pantyland. Wonderful. I have a total love/hate relationship with the whole business. I used to not have a period on account of being very ill and I missed it. I remember vividly reading Marya's reflection on the subject in Wasted: she loved it because it was a sign of adulthood, she never wanted to retreat back into being a child through her eating disorder. The stressing of the individual, the fact that not one size fits all is something I wish people working in the eating disorder treatment sector would take a little more seriously. Reflecting on my own treatment leads me to conclude that behaviourism is kinda (mildly) scary at first - it's all self-recording, planned progress, little steps - lots of pressure, in short.

The psychotherapy approach by itself isn't much better. It's not scary but it doesn't sem as directed. It's too loose a system. You can get dragged down into everything else and end up moodily scratching over years in the past to find answers for today. Neither system by itself works completely as a whole. I personally think a combination is most effective especially since those with eating disorders often suffer from other mental issues or abuse. Psychotherapy is useful in introducing the therapy setting, building a relationship of trust and the behavioural approach is useful with maintaining and building a framework of pro-active self-help.

For the third time since I've started, the unit I go to is acquiring a new Doctor. He (I know it's a he and feel a little sorry for others who struggled with the last Doctor because he was male 'cause it isn't getting any better for them.) focuses mainly on the medical stuff, discusses progress and can advise on medication. Thursday is Doctor Day. That's it. It's kinda crazy to know the staff numbers about five (including the Doctor and secretary who I dislike immensely) and serves such a wide area. That said, I've only ever seen two other people in the building who were...service users. Clients. I don't really know what to say. Both were teeny tiny creatures in baggy clothes who barely glanced at me. And I've never bumped into anyone leaving or entering.

I always feel a moment of panic when I'm walking to the door - there's a sign loudly proclaiming what the building is for - and I panic thinking that someone I know will be walking along or driving past and then they'll know. The people who know, who I've personally told, can be counted on one hand. I told each of these people out of love and affection for them, because I trust them. I hate the idea of someone finding out and then wondering why. There's a lot of anxiety tangled up in the whole process and it starts from the moment the session ends and the next appointment is scheduled. Sucky.

* * *

Anyhow, radical mood shift! I saw a retro set of teacups and saucers last week - dark olive green - along with another very 1970's style set made out of glass with metal handles and orange/yellow flower motifs. Both sets have featured in my dreams since. I think I'm getting pretty good at seeing things that would by typically sold on etsy and I'm kinda thinking about opening my own etsy store...but I know I'll get distracted by adding to my collection of ugly-cute (Ugte?) ornaments. I've got a cat lady and demonic bunny rabbit now chilling with zombie bear and harmonica squirrel.

I've started sketching out some projects including my long-planned portraits of mythical creatures in high school (I'm going to wing it from the easiest to the most complicated part, crossing my fingers along the way) and Baby's First Chan: Where's Mudkip? (yep, you read that correctly) which will be a guide to the world of meme for babies. Me, broody? Nah. Just ignore the rough outline I've done for another fabric book called 'Madotsuki Goes To Mars' and the bandana bib pattern I'm going to enlarge, okay? Haha.

And I recieved my patterns (really have to not buy anymore until I've sewn some more stuff...). New Look 6000 which is a Joan of Mad Men style dress (is it me or is everyone sewing Betty or Joan inspired stuff? Peggy ain't getting no love...) and the envelope is stuffed full of pattern tissue. Sigh. My dreams of it being a relatively uncomplicated make went poof instantly on that one. I also bought a basic pull-on skirt pattern for help in correcting the issues I had with the bias-cut pattern (namely, I didn't want to cut on the bias anymore just to ensure decent fit) so I need to load up on some cheap cotton and jersey. Really really cheap cotton and jersey. And finalise my summer clothes making plans. And not get distracted! So many things that can go horribly wrong...

And yeah, my moods are swinging a lot more than usual. Need to talk to Jojo about that tomorrow...