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I really love Bird Gerhl (Guhl? I've seen it put both ways), maybe… - Heavenly. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Feb. 13th, 2011|10:27 pm]
[Current Mood |indescribableindescribable]

I really love Bird Gerhl (Guhl? I've seen it put both ways), maybe I'm getting sentimental in my middle twenties...haha. Just something really touching about the lyrics. I put it at the end of my Yume Nikki mix more for the sound than anything else, sort of how I wanted to put Nico in it because she has a very androgynous voice as a little nod to all the Madotsuki is transgender theories. But I used Bird Gerhl instead...

I am a bird girl now
I've got my heart
Here in my hands now
I've been searching
For my wings some time

Breaks my heart. Sigh. Listening to Nico too, breaking my heart. I miss my dad. I miss my siblings. I miss being a kid. I miss all those opportunties that never came again. I don't miss the doubt. I don't miss the ball of fossiled humilation inside me. I don't miss anything at all. I just wish some stuff had continued the way it used to be.

I wonder if having children is the right thing to do. I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams around the whole issue...and I don't feel very soothed by reassurances from friends. I know my problem is that I want to be the perfect mother and that won't happen. I'll set this stupidly high standard that no-one could ever reach then take pleasure in torturing myself over not reaching it. Black and white thinking, it's a wonderful thing! It's frustrating because people don't seem to think it's part of my nature like having a university degree = logical decision maker! so I can't possibly have problems evaluating my own performance.

I'm not as self-aware as I used to be. Often it felt I was just observing myself, interacting with others. A bit like watching a puppet. Or someone on television. I felt like I wasn't very happy with what I was doing, how I talked, how I moved my face. I'd chant mantras while brushing my hair in the morning: pleaseletmebeinterestingandnotfreakinconversationorsayanythingweirdeveragain. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be liked, it didn't seem important. More important that I slot in perfectly.

I want to get along with people but I don't always feel like I want them to like me. Seems like two totally different things to me. I've always wanted people in my life that fit a certain criteria, which sounds like a emotional straitjacket but it's not. Sometimes I want to be with a person who will be kind no matter what and sometimes I want to be with a person who will tell me the truth, even if it hurts and on no account do I want these people to be the same person.

I feel like I'm thinking in circles now.