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Why I Should Not Torment Myself By Exploring The Saint Seiya Fandom, Part One. [Feb. 15th, 2012|08:45 pm]
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[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

Kuroshoubi says: I have no attraction to the concept of wanting to fuck an animated character.
Kuroshoubi says: Apart from Shun.
Kuroshoubi says: BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT.
Garcia says: It is.

A sunset on a beach after a hot day, leading to a hot night. Written for my sister for our b-day. Anal, COMPLETE, M/M, Oneshot, PWP, SH, Voy, WAFF, Yaoi

Kuroshoubi says: ...
Garcia says: Wait wat...
Garcia says: Am I reading that correctly. 'Written for my sister'
Kuroshoubi says: Yep.
Garcia says: Is this still a South Park fanfic?
Kuroshoubi says: No, Saint Seiya.
Kuroshoubi says: ...all the crazies flock to Saint Seiya.
Garcia says: Judging by that opening I agree with you.
Kuroshoubi says: Which is sad because the writing of the series is remarkably consistant to the whole brotherhood of man ideal.
Kuroshoubi says: ...with undertones of female domination. ^^; Surprisingly, there is little fanfiction involving Shun.
Garcia says: Is that for the best?
Kuroshoubi says: I'm not sure.

Hyoga and Shun sat on the couch flipping through television channels all boasting bad quality late night shows. Seiya and Shiryu were lounging on the floor against giant pillows half their size. Ikki was gone for the night pulling another one of his disappearing acts. The four bored teens were having multiple problems beside bad television.

Garcia says: You would like to read some good stories but it's pretty unlikely to find a good one.
Kuroshoubi says: THESE ARE THE GREATEST WARRIORS ON THE EARTH.

So their refrigerator had been joined by a microwave, coffee pot and toaster since Shun loved to eat pop tarts.

Kuroshoubi says: MY EYES, THEY BURN. OH GOD, THEY BURN.
Garcia says: Right I have minimal knowledge of Saint Seiya and I know that aint right.

They had to vote on Shun’s choice of a Care Bears poster, to which it was allowed. However, it mysteriously disappeared one night much to Shun’s dismay.

Kuroshoubi says: THE FUCK. THE FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK. HE'S THE MOST POWERFUL SAINT. HE JUST LIKES TO USE HIS WORDS.

Apathy was really getting to them and the only glint of excitement was discovering the contents of the odd tape. The tape finished rewinding and Shiryu pressed play, laying the remote on the floor beside him. The screen went black before credits started to role. “The Pizza Delivery Guy” was the title that flashed on the screen before a list of male actors rolled by.

Kuroshoubi says: ...UH-OH.

“I’ve not heard of this movie.” Hyoga said. “Me neither, looks lame.” Seiya sighed. The movie started with a man in his early 20’s ringing the doorbell of a home, carrying a pizza. He was a brunet with short hair, somewhat cute, but nothing stood out about him. A different man answered the door. This one looked a little older and had black hair, attractive, but again, not up to movie star standards.

Garcia says: They're watching a gay porn?!
Kuroshoubi says: PAINTIN' A PICTURE.

He reached in his pocket to get the money for the pizza but found it empty. ‘oh no…I must not have any money on me…’ the man said slightly embarrassed. Seiya grunted, “This is bad acting.” The delivery boy thought for a moment, ‘that’s okay, you could pay me in a different way…’ He winked and the man invited him in to the house.

“What’s he going to do, barter with the junk in his house?” Hyoga mumbled as all four boys watched the movie completely dumbfounded by its obnoxious lack of film quality. After putting the pizza down, the delivery boy moaned as the home owner dropped to his knees and started unbuckling his belt.

Garcia says: A gay porn written by Roger from American Dad...

“Ummm…” Shiryu made a sound in shock. The man pulled out the pizza boy’s cock and started sucking on it in his kitchen. The background music changed, becoming more twangy while the Saint’s gawked, unbelieving what they were watching. None of them moved as they were held like deer caught in headlights, their shock paralyzing them.

The video played on for three or four more minutes before Shiryu reached for the remote. “Wait…” Shun whispered above his head, implying he was not finished watching. Shiryu turned around to see Shun’s wide eyes glued to the television and Hyoga’s hand stroking his cheek. He looked at Seiya who was also drawn in by the pornographic movie.

Kuroshoubi says: ...THE PORN HAS MADE THEM HAVE HOMOEROTIC FEELINGS. ROGER WILL BE PLEASED.

Fading to black, Shiryu assumed it was over but then another scene appeared. The pizza boy was at another house now, ringing the bell. This time two men answered the door and coming up short on his tip so they invited him in as well. Soon the three men were on a couch buck naked with each other. Shiryu groaned, knowing this was going to be more graphic than the last scene.

Kuroshoubi says: Just turn the thing off, Shiryu, if it bothers you so much.
Kuroshoubi says: Eesh.

Shun moved his head a little in Hyoga’s lap to get more comfortable and noticed something interesting. He turned and looked up at his friend who was glaring down at him, hushing him into silence. Shun smiled and stifled a laugh understanding that Hyoga would be embarrassed if the others found out he had a raging hard on.

Kuroshoubi says: UH HELLO, YOU'RE ALL WATCHING BAD GAY PORN. NO SHAME.
Garcia says: None at all.

Seiya and Shiryu snickered, understanding the implication of what Shun said, Hyoga was turned on from the video. Shiryu mentally noted that he was also feeling strangely aroused. Seiya already had an erection, but no one had noticed yet and Shun had been turned on before the video even started as Hyoga played with his hair.

Kuroshoubi says: Shiryu obviously has a fetish for watching gay porn against his will though.
Kuroshoubi says: Oh gosh, there's hip wiggling going on.

Shun pushed his legs out, rubbing them against Seiya’s thighs and stretched his body. Seiya took the opportunity to pull Shun by grabbing his legs and yanking him. The green haired teen slid across the sofa and ended up in Seiya’s lap. Shun immediately felt Seiya’s erection under him and smiled. “Seems you’re not the only one Hyoga.”

Shun remained sitting on Seiya, but swiveled his head around to look at Shiryu lounging on the floor. “What about you Shiryu? Seems everyone here has a hard on…do you?” He was momentarily taken back by Shun’s direct question. Shun was usually not aggressive, however, it suited him well in this provocative situation.

Kuroshoubi says: "Shun, if you twist my nipples and force me to answer, I'd be happy to do so" replied Shiryu.
Garcia says: It would be awkward if he didn't have an erection.
Kuroshoubi says: Imagine being left out.
Kuroshoubi says: "We're all uncharacteristically aroused by this amateur pornography featuring okay looking guys, how about you, Shiryu? No...FREAKY NO-BONER!"

Seiya smiled as soft lips found his in a passionate kiss. He had been nervous about kissing Shiryu because he wanted to be liked by his friend so badly. Hyoga and Shun were fun, but he did not care what they thought of his sexual prowess. They both looked up when they heard Shun squeal.

Kuroshoubi says: I CARE ABOUT WHAT SHUN THINKS.

“Eeeeeiiii!” Shun was so excited when Hyoga all but devoured him. The blond had taken the initiative and pounced on his crush, pinning the boy below him. He quickly worked at the buttons on the pants hiding what he wanted, the cock he had dreamed about touching. Shun let out his illustrious squeal when Hyoga freed him of his pants and took his painfully erect shaft into his hand.

Kuroshoubi says: ...is Shun being played by Miss Piggy in this fanfiction?

Shiryu and Seiya were slightly surprised to see Shun naked, but they all knew where this was leading, they were four hormonal teenage boys after all.

Kuroshoubi says: PINK BELLY! PINK BELLY!

He handed the bottle to Shiryu who took it eagerly. Both Shun and Seiya looked at each other, then the television. Their eyes popped open when they realized that they were the ones about to get screwed. As they were propped on their hands and knees, facing each other, they took advantage of the position and started kissing in attempt to distract from what Shiryu and Hyoga were about to do.

Kuroshoubi says: Remember, Shiryu is being forced into this.

Shun jerked slightly as Hyoga pressed a single finger into him. It was slippery but still had a difficult time getting in. Shun relaxed as much as he could, allowing the intrusion. Hyoga’s heart raced as he realized just how tight Shun really was.

Kuroshoubi says: Maybe Miss Piggy is just Shun's stunt squeal double then.
Garcia says: Does Shun squeal in your mind?

Hyoga could hardly wait anymore, dying to be lodged into the tight abyss of his little Shun.

Kuroshoubi says: FUCK NO.
Kuroshoubi says: SHUN IS VERY MANLY.
Garcia says: Even if he bottomed?
Kuroshoubi says: Yep.
Kuroshoubi says: Shun is perfect man embodiment.
Kuroshoubi says: There isn't enough Engrish to describe exceptional man dance culture dude that Shun is.
Garcia says: I see.

Shun giggled when Hyoga collapsed on top of him, pushing them both to the floor. Hyoga rolled to the side, trying to catch his breath. They were all sweaty and tired, but thoroughly satisfied. Shun snuggled into Hyoga’s chest, still wanting to be close to him.

Kuroshoubi says: ARGH!
Kuroshoubi says:
The video whirred on in the background, the last scene finally coming to completion. They were all relaxing, languid and happy when suddenly, the door to their private oasis opened. Too satiated to move, they all looked up, horrified that they had been intruded on. Ikki stood in the doorway staring at the bizarre scene in front of him.

Kuroshoubi says: "You too, Shiryu?" Ikki exclaimed.
Kuroshoubi says: "I didn't want to...so I fucked Seiya, you know how I roll"

Ikki dared not look at them again, everyone was embarrassed. He walked to the VCR and popped out the tape. He had returned home late and wanted to search for that damn tape he had lost. How lucky for me that my friends found it, watched it, and screwed the hell out of each other because of it, Ikki sarcastically thought to himself.

Kuroshoubi says:
Me and you, Ikki. Me and you both.

So done with Saint Seiya madness right now.
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new year, new hair. [Jan. 17th, 2012|07:32 pm]
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[Current Mood |morrissey]
[Current Music |MORRISSEY]

I haven't updated in such a long time partially because I couldn't sum up everything going on in a neat little livejournal entry package. I'm too lazy to go on huge rants supported by late-night coffee and smoking. That and I can't seem to stay awake until eleven without thinking 'my oh my, it's getting late...' which makes me think 'eesh, that's really lame...'.

Anyway! So far this year I've discovered the joy of spraypainting, made my own vanilla extract and BBQ sauce and embroidered two little anchors onto the back pockets of my favourite shorts. Not too bad. I'm hoping to finish the scarf of eternity by the end of the month too. Oh, and I got one of those blasted twitter accounts. Not that I needed one.

I have a few planned projects, I definitely want to sew more this year and graduate onto garments with sleeves (!) and I have a beautiful cropped blazer pattern from Salme that I think could work on me. If not, I'm sure my little sister would love me to whip one up for her (since she looks awesome even in paper bags, fact.).

And I'm still getting used to my new haircut, my second younger brother took his sisscors to it in a rather brutal fashion and left me with a vaguely hipstery 'do. Just what I've always wanted. Hah.
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Writer's Block: Your 15 Minutes [Sep. 8th, 2011|09:06 am]
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[Current Mood |awakeawake]

If you had your own reality show, what would it be called? What would it be about?


It would detail the frequent attempts of myself and my family to avoid embarrassment, humilation and general awkwardness. Every time, we'd fail, spectacularly of course and begin the cycle anew. Seeing as my family is a variable lucky dip of sexual identites, neurotypicalness and just bizarre off the wallness, this show would not be popular. It would be popular with people who like Arrested Development and gain a cult following. As a result, my siblings would be able to successfully make a living on the convention circuit. I would plough relentlessly on with my own dream, to own a coconut farm, earning myself a tepidly recieved spinoff.

It'd be called The Inconsolables.
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Finally, Some Answers! [Jun. 28th, 2011|10:26 am]
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[Current Mood |calmcalm]

I fucking love vaginapagina right now.

<3 <3 <3
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Playlist. [Jun. 7th, 2011|03:18 pm]
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[Tags|, , ]
[Current Mood |pleasedpleased]
[Current Music |Yoko Ono: Toyboat]

I made a mix, I'm rather pleased with it.

1. Devendra Banhart: This Is The Way
(well we've known we've known / we've had a choice / we chose rejoice)

2. Wilco: I'm Always In Love
(Why, I wonder, is my heart full of holes / And the feeling goes but my hair keeps growing)

3. Art Lord & The Self Portraits: Lantern Sigh
(my heart still beats / honestly)

4. The Flaming Lips: Are You A Hypnotist??
(I had forgiven you for tricking me again / But I have been tricked again / Into forgiving you)

5. Washed Out: Feel It All Around
(You feel it all around yourself / You know it's yours and no one else)

6. The Magnetic Fields: I Don't Want To Get Over You
(I could leave this agony behind / Which is just what I'd do / If I wanted to / But I don't want to get over you)

7. Islands: Jogging Gorgeous Summer
(Woke up next to you in your bed / Another day to do it all again)

8. Yoko Ono: Toyboat
(Waiting for a boat to help me out / The boat that reached my shore was a toyboat)

The Islands song is especially great. Toyboat was a little bit controversial but the charm of Yoko's voice in the song is just so charming.
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before summer. [May. 6th, 2011|11:54 pm]
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[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]

I thought I ought to update this before summer goes all crazy and intense and busy on me. I mean, there's talk about going to Download and/or Pride (yes, that is quite the combination...) and I'm finally pulling my fingers out of my...well, I wouldn't put my fingers there in the first place but yeah. Whatever. I'm thinking of opening up a big cartel store over the summer. Etsy seems embroiled in reseller crap at the moment and too stuck in their sunshine 'n cupcakes ways to do anything about it which is terrible seeing as there are so many awesome crafters/artists. Everything I've bought from there I'm been really pleased with so I guess I might remain a customer for a little while longer.

I haven't done much sewing lately, the table and chair set that me and Bear bought was recalled because it was extremely dangerous or something. Not that anyone at the call center or pick up knew anything about it. One chair did fall apart but we assumed that was down to my brother having a great deal to do with its construction (my brother is many things but a handyman is not one of them) but the day before it left, I measured up a million patterns for things and had an epic cutting session. Cutting is really the most tedious, horrible and least inspiring part of sewing. I hate it. I wish I could buy fabric precut. I guess that would ruin the magic for some people but not me. Fuck cutting fabric.

Lately, hm, went to a food festival then got way too drunk, starting talking about the next level of commitment with Bear (getting a dog!), meeting supernerds in Liverpool (after I left they talked about youtube and J-pop and I totally missed out.), baking vegan cake and writing bits and pieces for a zine I'm hoping to pull out of the same place as my big cartel store before the end of the year. Yeah, right.


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+/- [Mar. 31st, 2011|08:37 pm]
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[Current Mood |mellowmellow]

This is the third time I've sat down intending to update my livejournal and hopefully it will not end like the previous attempts: longwinded reflection, eventual boredom and me wandering off to do something else. I'm going to keep the delivery brief and straightforward:

Major Awesome Stuff!

1. Me and Bear have moved! From the Apartment of Doom to the House of Moderate Rent which is suiting us perfectly at the moment. Thankfully we had none of the problems we feared might materialise with our landlord so the move was (relatively) stress-free/ Going from a cramped, slightly open plan apartment to a smallish but well-designed layout has had the pleasing effect of visually thinning out our, I mean, my junk. It won't last.

2. I've decided to fight boredom and take advantage of living where I am now. I'm not a fucking teenager anymore so there's no excuse for acting oh-so-cool-but-really-kinda-uncool by spending time smoking in the rain at shitty nightclubs while disparaging this small city. It's a goddamn city. There's fun on every corner if you want to see it so to this end, I've been using the internet to productively look for things I want to see. I'm even going to watch a play, aren't you proud of me, Papa?*

3. I've restarted knitting. Disregard this if you think knitting is for nanas** 'cause you'll be boreddd but I'm working on a so-easy-it-hurts-me-to-reveal-it baby blanket and I've also dipped my toes into the world of crochet - the hooks I have are all the colours of the rainbow!

4. At Danny's Awesome Leaving Us For Quite A While Night Out!!! (though he still hasn't left for Australia, delays and blah...) and we ended up going to one of old haunts that recently converted into a gay pub. Very bewildering. No atmosphere and there didn't seem to be a radical change in clients except...the number of them. Hitting Bar 69 later on, I feel the scene here has a lot to answer for in terms of...blahness. Music was shite but me, Biscuit and Bert didn't care because we were pissed. Then somehow, it was six in the morning and everyone was back at the Bearcave and things were still rocking. Insane.

5. I bought some zines though from False Start which has become my distro of choice on the basis a) the choice is uhhhhmazing and b) do I need another reason? I bought:

Winners Winning
Trust Me: I Know What I'm Doing - Bargaining & Negotiating
Things You Can Learn When You Listen to Strangers
Art Bureau #14
Ghost Pine #8
Fight Boredom with Girl Love
Heroland #5

I've only flicked through Winners Winning so far but can't help but feel a little disappointed. I'm not being down on the artwork which is super neat but more...the volume, just sounded a lot more extensive in the distro decription. Looking forward to reading Fight Boredom with Girl Love and reading Art Bureau properly (literally flicked through it but love at first glance!) and think I might write up some more indepth reviews here. I usually keep a reading list on Facebook in a puny attempt to keep the art of reading alive and in my last journal, I occassionally reviewed anime/manga and it was mildly enjoyable even if I often got caught up in discussing the merits of Andromeda Saint Shun...damn his heroic beauty!***

*my dad probably wouldn't give a shit about me watching a play as long as I had no intentions of becoming an actor. He has a radical phobia of the performing arts.
**though I have no problems with that delightful cereal advert proclaiming so. Especially when they tarted up the nanas, so bizarrely implying sex was on the cards for a cad in a vintage car...
***fuck, Shun is cute. I mean, he has green hair. Green is my favourite colour. And he's so manly he doesn't give a shit that he's wearing pink armour.


Not Awesome Stuff (slightly long)

1. I'm finding it really hard not to dwell on the state of the world - sometimes, it just sucks all feeling out of me leaving me somewhat numb but...it's not happening now. As a vegan, I want to take the opportunity to say I don't fucking think it's divine retribution on behalf of dolphins/whales because such a judgement is not only astoundingly insensitive at such a time but also completely speciesist.

My thoughts, prayers and heart are with all of those who are displaced in Libya and those who have been effected by the earthquakes and tsunami, however indirectly. I hope people can find their family and friends and that people use this time as a period to reflect on coming together rather than dwelling on the past (pearl harbour twitter twits, I'm looking at you.) or using it to paint a terrifying, judgemental picture (end-time fundies, I'm looking at you too.) of people who have lost so much in such a short time.

That said, I'm touched that those who have mentioned it on facebook/twitter that I follow have been very proactive in suggesting help, support and general good karma towards the situation. I really love the idea of the SHOW YOUR LOVE project that Gackt is spearheading. Even the poorest can give hope and love to Japan.

2. I feel pretty fucking stupid putting this after the above but I really do hate Pokemon Black/White though despite people enthusing about how classic the gameplay is - I really want my Pokemon-set-during-the-Feudal-Era game now, dammit - since I can't really get over how well...blah, the actual game looks to me. I really am stuck in a pixelated time-warp. 

3. The backyard is a mess and I just don't wanna deal with it. Thankgosh for blinds.

Andddd, entirely neutral: I finish therapy in six weeks. Before starting therapy for social anxiety/general downbeatness. Lots of mixed feelings about this.
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(no subject) [Feb. 15th, 2011|08:56 pm]
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[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |Fleet Foxes: White Winter Hymnal]

I woke up this morning feeling all shades of crappy, then realised it was the rise of communism in pantyland. Wonderful. I have a total love/hate relationship with the whole business. I used to not have a period on account of being very ill and I missed it. I remember vividly reading Marya's reflection on the subject in Wasted: she loved it because it was a sign of adulthood, she never wanted to retreat back into being a child through her eating disorder. The stressing of the individual, the fact that not one size fits all is something I wish people working in the eating disorder treatment sector would take a little more seriously. Reflecting on my own treatment leads me to conclude that behaviourism is kinda (mildly) scary at first - it's all self-recording, planned progress, little steps - lots of pressure, in short.

The psychotherapy approach by itself isn't much better. It's not scary but it doesn't sem as directed. It's too loose a system. You can get dragged down into everything else and end up moodily scratching over years in the past to find answers for today. Neither system by itself works completely as a whole. I personally think a combination is most effective especially since those with eating disorders often suffer from other mental issues or abuse. Psychotherapy is useful in introducing the therapy setting, building a relationship of trust and the behavioural approach is useful with maintaining and building a framework of pro-active self-help.

For the third time since I've started, the unit I go to is acquiring a new Doctor. He (I know it's a he and feel a little sorry for others who struggled with the last Doctor because he was male 'cause it isn't getting any better for them.) focuses mainly on the medical stuff, discusses progress and can advise on medication. Thursday is Doctor Day. That's it. It's kinda crazy to know the staff numbers about five (including the Doctor and secretary who I dislike immensely) and serves such a wide area. That said, I've only ever seen two other people in the building who were...service users. Clients. I don't really know what to say. Both were teeny tiny creatures in baggy clothes who barely glanced at me. And I've never bumped into anyone leaving or entering.

I always feel a moment of panic when I'm walking to the door - there's a sign loudly proclaiming what the building is for - and I panic thinking that someone I know will be walking along or driving past and then they'll know. The people who know, who I've personally told, can be counted on one hand. I told each of these people out of love and affection for them, because I trust them. I hate the idea of someone finding out and then wondering why. There's a lot of anxiety tangled up in the whole process and it starts from the moment the session ends and the next appointment is scheduled. Sucky.

* * *

Anyhow, radical mood shift! I saw a retro set of teacups and saucers last week - dark olive green - along with another very 1970's style set made out of glass with metal handles and orange/yellow flower motifs. Both sets have featured in my dreams since. I think I'm getting pretty good at seeing things that would by typically sold on etsy and I'm kinda thinking about opening my own etsy store...but I know I'll get distracted by adding to my collection of ugly-cute (Ugte?) ornaments. I've got a cat lady and demonic bunny rabbit now chilling with zombie bear and harmonica squirrel.

I've started sketching out some projects including my long-planned portraits of mythical creatures in high school (I'm going to wing it from the easiest to the most complicated part, crossing my fingers along the way) and Baby's First Chan: Where's Mudkip? (yep, you read that correctly) which will be a guide to the world of meme for babies. Me, broody? Nah. Just ignore the rough outline I've done for another fabric book called 'Madotsuki Goes To Mars' and the bandana bib pattern I'm going to enlarge, okay? Haha.

And I recieved my patterns (really have to not buy anymore until I've sewn some more stuff...). New Look 6000 which is a Joan of Mad Men style dress (is it me or is everyone sewing Betty or Joan inspired stuff? Peggy ain't getting no love...) and the envelope is stuffed full of pattern tissue. Sigh. My dreams of it being a relatively uncomplicated make went poof instantly on that one. I also bought a basic pull-on skirt pattern for help in correcting the issues I had with the bias-cut pattern (namely, I didn't want to cut on the bias anymore just to ensure decent fit) so I need to load up on some cheap cotton and jersey. Really really cheap cotton and jersey. And finalise my summer clothes making plans. And not get distracted! So many things that can go horribly wrong...

And yeah, my moods are swinging a lot more than usual. Need to talk to Jojo about that tomorrow...



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(no subject) [Feb. 13th, 2011|10:27 pm]
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[Current Mood |indescribableindescribable]

I really love Bird Gerhl (Guhl? I've seen it put both ways), maybe I'm getting sentimental in my middle twenties...haha. Just something really touching about the lyrics. I put it at the end of my Yume Nikki mix more for the sound than anything else, sort of how I wanted to put Nico in it because she has a very androgynous voice as a little nod to all the Madotsuki is transgender theories. But I used Bird Gerhl instead...

I am a bird girl now
I've got my heart
Here in my hands now
I've been searching
For my wings some time

Breaks my heart. Sigh. Listening to Nico too, breaking my heart. I miss my dad. I miss my siblings. I miss being a kid. I miss all those opportunties that never came again. I don't miss the doubt. I don't miss the ball of fossiled humilation inside me. I don't miss anything at all. I just wish some stuff had continued the way it used to be.

I wonder if having children is the right thing to do. I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams around the whole issue...and I don't feel very soothed by reassurances from friends. I know my problem is that I want to be the perfect mother and that won't happen. I'll set this stupidly high standard that no-one could ever reach then take pleasure in torturing myself over not reaching it. Black and white thinking, it's a wonderful thing! It's frustrating because people don't seem to think it's part of my nature like having a university degree = logical decision maker! so I can't possibly have problems evaluating my own performance.

I'm not as self-aware as I used to be. Often it felt I was just observing myself, interacting with others. A bit like watching a puppet. Or someone on television. I felt like I wasn't very happy with what I was doing, how I talked, how I moved my face. I'd chant mantras while brushing my hair in the morning: pleaseletmebeinterestingandnotfreakinconversationorsayanythingweirdeveragain. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be liked, it didn't seem important. More important that I slot in perfectly.

I want to get along with people but I don't always feel like I want them to like me. Seems like two totally different things to me. I've always wanted people in my life that fit a certain criteria, which sounds like a emotional straitjacket but it's not. Sometimes I want to be with a person who will be kind no matter what and sometimes I want to be with a person who will tell me the truth, even if it hurts and on no account do I want these people to be the same person.

I feel like I'm thinking in circles now.
 


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...really? [Feb. 11th, 2011|02:28 pm]
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[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |The Drums: Let's Go Surfing]


So, we went to view our first house to rent yesterday...ohmy, how can some people live like animals? I was stunned - the place was just piles of garbage, clothes and shockingly expensive music equipment. Also a dirty dish, cutlery and glass were perched outside the bathroom door...with mould, ewwww! It was disgusting, outside was pretty rundown too and the location wasn't great...but it was the mess that really sealed it for us. Gross. The letting agency have rang twice (!) since to ask if we're interested and if not, why not? WHY DO YOU THINK!?

We've got another viewing on Monday for the place we really like so fingers crossed it'll be just as nice as pictured and everything will go ubersmoothly (please, please, please let it go ubersmoothly...). I can't wait to get out of here. Jojo is very supportive of this action which helps a lot...I'm a little afraid of getting too dependant on her support though. I don't really think about what Jojo would say/do in response to my actions but whenever I'm in therapy with her I worry a whole fucking lot about exactly that. Sigh.

Lots of great stuff has happened lately though! I've got a 'guy' at the coffee place I frequent who knows my order off my heart and makes it just right. I downloaded some sweet psychadelic Korean music from way back and been walking around listening to that and the Tron: Legacy soundtrack. Bear has been teaching me patience and tactical thinking through the medium of...uh, Yu-Gi-Oh! card games. Don't laugh, it's actually pretty cool on the tactical level though cards like Mystic Tomato and Rescue Cat coupled with the ocassional 'I'm sure that's ripped off from Deviantart...' do make me sad. I still haven't quite grasped the summoning rules and playing traps at the right time but...I have beaten Bear a few times which is the important thing, right?

The Kurosagi Corspe Delivery Service turned out to be as delightful as I expected, definitely don't mind investing in more of the series when I have the money to. It combines horror, the undead and murder mysteries! How could I not love it? I wasn't very taken with the artwork at the start but I've gotten used to it. The stories are fast-paced, memorable and the storyarc easy to grasp despite me rudely dropping in on volume 7. I loved the dark humour too. Oh, undead Otaku, what won't you do to fulfill your twisted fantasies~?

I've found a website selling jersey very cheap and two great tutorials for knockoff American Apparel stuff (the Le Sac dress and Circle Scarf) which I think may form part of my summer wardrobe - I'm hoping to make two or three of each, pack some t-shirts, underwear and a belt or two for Download if we go...though if we get this house, we could possibly spend the weekend sitting in our garden listening to Primus and Rammstein instead, haha.
 


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